nharmny's Xanga

Desire

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 01:04:04 GMT

The burning flames of Desire,

So arousing and intriguing.

You have awoken in me a yearning and a fire,

unbeknownst to my Past.

And now I see

that if left unchecked,

How easy it would be

for You to wreak havoc.

Warm and alluring are You!

Your friendship is so inviting.

But the intimacy You promise and the closeness that You bring can and will consume

My whole being.

I welcome You into my life,

But on my knees I pray

That You be subservient to

Truth and Love and not to Chaos and Disorder.

And so I turn to the Creator,

He made both You and me.

That He steer this ship away from a potential wreck,

May He continue to guide US with His unending Mercy.

We're Still Alive!

Sat, 22 Dec 2012 07:38:18 GMT

Yes, it's true! We're still alive. :o) I realize it's been awhile since I last wrote in my blog so I figured today's the day. I had two dinner plans with my family and later my group Carus. (Shout out to both!) Aced all my classes for last semester and am moving out soon. I am excited for what's to come but just want to take some time to express my gratitude for all of you that have been there every step of the way. Thank you for your Love, understanding, encouragement and prayers. Though I will tend to disconnect on occasion, I still call to mind the many that have come into my life either "for a reason or a season."

Recently, I finished reading Fr. Ronald Rolheiser's (Oblate of Mary), Among the Lilies. There's a whole chapter on grieving and facing some not so pretty realities such as the loss of a loved one. In this section of his book though, he talks about the Catholic teaching on purgatory. Whether you agree with this teaching or not is well...up to you but humor me for a minute. He talks about needing a more practical understanding of purgatory. To purge is to free yourself from attachments or "lesser loves" so as to embrace a fuller concept of Love. He mentions that this teaching makes sense in light of human relationships and of course, in light of our relationship with our Higher Power.

The pain of "breaking up" and having to let go of a relationship is tough! Although the process of "purging" leads to a particular death, it also subsequently leads to a new form of life...or a fuller embracing of what's/who's to come. I am grateful for the way God's moved in my life through the many people, events and creatures (i.e. Buddy!) in the midst of all the "purging" and I do believe that I am more fully prepared for this next part of my journey. Sure, there might be some ambivalence there...there's some grieving to do ya know...this man's gotta fly the coop.

Cheers to what's to come and may the Spirit of God continue to lead us to a fuller sense of Love. May we gently free ourselves of the lesser loves this Christmas and embrace all that is Love.

Churning the Batter

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 04:51:14 GMT

You all know I love my spiritual director (quick shout out to Sr. Barbra, SND). She's been a great source of love and inspiration. After so many appointments with her, what I've taken away is the idea of "churning the batter." This is her way of inviting me to integrate my experiences and be true to whatever feelings might surface. These past few weeks have been about integrating lessons learned from previous intimate relationships and owning the fear that comes with the possibility of a new relationship.

As I've had to revisit my previous relationships, it has been a wonderful time of reflection. Although unpleasant at times, the truth remains that this has been a source of learning and ultimately a source of Grace. As I wrote to a friend, "It is true! It's so much easier to point out the things that you don't want!" I can write about the many things that went wrong in these previous relationships...I really can (as I am sure these people could do the same when talking about me). However, if I had to sum it all up, I would use one word, "MISUNDERSTANDING." It was all circumstancial and no matter how many times I have tried to play out other possibilities, I have found peace in the idea that we were two people at two places in our lives where understanding was difficult and it strained all the other "what ifs."

I still have much that remains from my previous relationship (singular). I will accept that. Much of it, I've yet to sort through. About two months ago, the waterworks (induced by a tremendous amount of Love from a whole community of folks) paved the way for self-forgiveness and some form of healing between us. It was a moment of profound Grace.

For the time being, accepting that a deep sense of fear related to relationships (mostly related to screwing up, not being fully present, and other shenanigans) remains brings me some resolve.

One love to you all. :o)

A Note On Mental Health

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:46:26 GMT

I've been awfully preoccupied with the question of mental health. So, I've decided to jot down the different thoughts that come to mind regarding mental health.

Maintaining good mental health is a question of humility and self awareness: knowing when to say 'no' when things don't feel right and being true to my own personal need for space and time alone.

I've had to hit rock bottom in order to begin to appreciate my mental health.

I've had to realize that I can't take as much pressure as I used to.

I am not invincible. There's only so much pressure I can take from my friends and family before I begin to mentally cave in.

I used to think that I could satisfy those closest to me. I often compromised my mental health to do this. I've come to understand that I am limited by my need for good mental health.

I used to think that keeping my employer happy was worth compromising my good mental health. I was wrong.

My struggle with depression and schizoaffective disorder is real. (Here's the wikipedia link for more basic information on schizoaffective disorder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoaffective_disorder)

I've got to be mindful that this disorder affects those around me. I will tend to isolate mostly from friends when I'm having episodes.

I will tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to finish tasks and fulfill friendship obligations. I have a soft place for those of my friends that are patient with me. This is much more helpful than exerting extra pressure.

I will add to this list as related thoughts come to mind.

For the Record

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 01:10:28 GMT

Just recently I hung out with my buddy Brian and we began discussing some serious matters. The question came up, "What do people really think of me?" Before you go on thinking, "What the heck do others care! I do what I want!" I will say that I personally take to heart other people's opinions. After I have heard the opinions of others, I will generally retreat and do some reflection.

The response I got from my buddy is that other people feel that I have lacked a sense of direction over the last two years. Here's my response to that statement:

These last two years have been crucial in my developmental growth. Much of my "time to save the world" attitude has been tempered with the everyday realities of life. While I am still excited about serving, I find that it's the little ways that fulfill my heart's desires for service. For example, helping out with Confirmation at St. Callistus for two years was a grace-filled endeavor! There was much that I learned from having been a part of it. I was a sponsor for two confirmandees and many of the students allowed me to touch their hearts in many of the same ways that they touched mine.

Furthermore, during these last 2 years, I completed the 19th annotation. I would say that this was very much instrumental in my faith life. Because of this experience, I discovered a God that is real...of flesh and bone. I discovered that God is first and foremost love...in spite of what others might say. (i.e. God is just. God is faithful. God is vengeful or wrathful.) I experienced that kind of love through my spiritual director Sr. Barbra. I walked out of that experience with a real kind of transformation.

These last two years were to be a time of R & R (rest and relaxation) coupled with service (Contradictory? Not at all.) During my years in undergraduate, I pushed myself to new levels of thinking and seeing the world. I would say I pushed myself a little too hard. I don't regret any of it. However, I do acknowledge that the remnants of it all remained way after it was said and done.

It must also be said that during this time I feared the worst: the deterioration of my mental health. I had an experience unlike any I've ever been through. Yes, I had a nervous breakdown. In trying to comply with the company I was working for (Courtyard by Marriott), I was pushed to the edge. There are some details that I will spare in this entry. However, I will say this, I was not happy by the treatment and constant state of disapproval that me and my coworkers endured. It is not healthy to work for a company that creates such a toxic environment. For this reason, I suffered an episode of extreme paranoia and was thus hospitalized for nearly a month and a half. I don't at the moment wish to disclose much more about this recent happening. This experience helped me to understand what I'm really willing to tolerate from an employer. Boundaries! There's something that sticks out at me today, "You either learn to adapt to the company's culture or you leave," explained my mentor Dr. Steve. Due to the circumstances and the constant violation of boundaries, I had no choice but to resign.

Yes, it's been an action packed two years. As for future plans, I've finally decided to go back to grad school. Yup, you heard me right! It took the aforementioned to kick start me into action. Master's in Saving the World, here I come. ;o) I'm referring to the M.S.W. that will follow my name in three years. So that's that for now.

In the meantime, I'm applying to different jobs looking for full-time employment (This is where you come in. ;o) HAHA!) and applying to grad school.

Sending you all much love. May you experience the love of God so fully in your everyday life.

Reflection on Marriage

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 17:38:48 GMT

This is touching. My friend Jpham shared this with me and I wanted to share it with the rest. It's a tear jerker so get the tissue box ready.

Reflection on Marriage

Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

By -- Islamic Reflections

Darkness

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 20:22:53 GMT

Always one step away from falling into utter chaos! The darkness of the heart has led us to being ever so separated from the source of Love. How do we come back to the one that calls us his own? "How do I get back?" Cries out the voice with hopes of getting answers. "Redeem yourself!" calls out the temptation that encourages me to do it alone. "You can do it!" Reminded of the image of the door that only has a knob on the inside giving me the ability to respond and open the door. He knocks. Will I answer? What will happen?

Reaching Out

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 19:45:45 GMT

"Hands behind your back, face down." Calls one of the probation officers.

They walked in, single file line, one unit at a time.

"Thomas, walk," called the detention officer to Unit T.

14-18 year olds marched in as Fr. Larry prepared for 10am mass. The other two volunteers started shaking hands and chatting with the detainees. I followed behind them.

"What's up guys?" I greeted them.

"How ya doin sir?" They responded with a firm hand shake.

Not much time was allowed to interact with the juveniles as they were quickly instructed to put their heads down. This is a deterrent to keep them from making eye contact with each other and thus initiating any kind of nonverbal cues such as "throwing gang signs."

Each person was wearing a name tag with their last name and unit letter. Otherwise, the only other characteristics that set them apart from the rest of the detainees were the tattoos and crimes they had committed.

Many of the tattoos were identifiers and visible at that. There was one in particular that caught my eye. He had two capital Ts on his face. One on each cheek. Many of them had their "hood" tattooed on their arms or head. Whatever tattoos they had, on one hand, they seemed to say, "I earned it and it gives me a sense of belonging." On the other, they seemed to say, "Look what they've done to me." A victim of their environment full of violence and poverty, they seemed to have very little to no say as to what happens to them. Lacking the love and understanding of a listening ear, they settle for identifiers that cry out, "Someone please listen! I am dying inside." The end result of the unfulfilled needs lead some to conclude as a juvenile did in tattooing on the back of his hands, "Fuck Love."

The look on many of their faces is one of, "I want to be able to trust. But how can I trust you?" Even so, they reach out and try to participate in the liturgy. They clap at the end of each song. Liturgically incorrect? It's not even a concern. They must find a way to express that which is so deeply engrained in their hearts--the need for connection. Some participate by singing, "Be not afraid, I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest."

After the sign of peace, an officer walks up to two of them and takes their name badges. They disobeyed the rule, "You can only greet the person on your left and on your right." This too is a deterrent for possible violence. One of them starts laughing while the other, looking a bit distraught by the consequences to come, looks down. They are sitting there, both No Names. One repentant for the alleged wrongdoings and the other excited that he got the attention..."The squeaky wheel gets the grease." But what happens to the other? He was not asking for it, but the mere fact that they were neighbors got him into unexpected trouble. And so it is with these teens...often caught in the wrong place, at the wrong time. "Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps," would demand this individualistic society. "What if I am not given the opportunity to be successful because I am made responsible for the actions of the guy next to me?" Some of these teens might respond.

"The crimes run the gammot," explained Fr. Larry. "Some are in for DUI charges or tagging, while others are in for rape and murder. I've heard it all in confession."

Regardless of their crimes, the attempt is to see them as the Children that God has created.

"So, do you ask them questions about their crimes?" I ask Elita, the Detention Ministry Coordinator.

"No, I would rather not. That would inherently taint my perception of them and I want to be able to see them as the Children of God that they are," Elita responds.

At the end of mass, I hang out and shake the hands with these young men and congratulate one of them for celebrating communion for the first time. They crack a smile as they walk out. Released from the imprisonment of physical restraint that is keeping their hands behind their back, they reach out and touch someone. Granting me the privilege to get out of my own head and into their lives, we exchange good-bye's and see you later's.

Lately, I have been thinking much about the impact that one's environment has over the individual. I've been reading a lot about how each individual must take responsibility for his own actions. A person's actions is mostly dictated by the context in which a person lives. The degree to which this is true is mostly contingent upon a person's financial situation (i.e. the more financial resources, the more control they have in terms of forms of entertainment and other activities.). It must also be said that this is assuming a culturally homogeneous environment.

Late Night Thoughts

Sun, 17 Jul 2011 08:05:09 GMT

Caution to the reader: This is an intense piece of writing. Proceed at your own discretion.

"OPEN THE DOOR!" She bangs on the door.

"I'm awake!" No longer lost in the selfish act of sleep, he has very little time to react. He jumps into action.

"What's going on?" He swings the door open..

The perturbed look on her face. "Please, protect me. She's coming!"

Before he has any time to make sense of the ambiguous yet urgent statements, he hears the footsteps, "Step, stomp, step, stomp!"

He places his hand on her shoulder and quickly steps in front of her as if to say, "Here I am. I will never leave you. I will always protect you."

"What's going on?" Still trying to make sense of all the commotion.

The first words to come stumbling out of his mouth, "Don't hurt her!"

"But I told her to..." Comes a few words roaring out of her mouth. The rest of her words: lost in translation.

"I am now safe(r)." Goes through the mind of the defenseless child.

Work

Wed, 18 May 2011 06:29:24 GMT

I just recently started my new job at the Courtyard by Marriott. It's been a great job so far! We're going through training and it's just been a great experience overall. Everyone's just really hospitable and fun to work with. I'm 1 of 2 guys in the Food and Beverages Department. There's about 7 of us. The Front Desk Department has about 8 women. So yes, we are the only men in these two departments.

Today we learned how to cook breakfast sandwiches and the "Early Sunrise" platter. We learned how to flip an egg without making a mess. I tried to crack an egg with 1 hand and failed. Will try it again sometime soon. However, to my fortune, one of my workers has the wonderful ability to do that. Also made a chai latte while others tried their favorite drinks (Hot Chocolate, Cappuccino, Americano). In the middle of it all, one of the big wigs walked up and ordered a double shot espresso. (Fulfilled request) Learned to wash dishes on the industrial dish washer, pulled items for the following day and listened to our trainers give instructions...like a lot of instructions.

Aside from what the team accomplished today, the thing that stands out is the level of connection and deep desire to work together. This is teamwork! There was hardly any fear in asking questions, reaching out to others, and just getting the task done. One thing led into the other. Synergy...that's really what it was. "I'm going to take care of...and you're going to work on pulling the items?" One thing after another.

Work...so necessary. It brings us back down to earth when too much time has been spent philosophizing or worrying about everything else. There's a deep need in the human heart to be a co-creator. It is immediate! For that particular amount of time, the focus is not on the self.

I look forward to working with these folks. "What about your Poli Sci degree? What are you going to do with that?" We'll see...one thing at a time.