Just recently I hung out with my buddy Brian and we began discussing some serious matters. The question came up, "What do people really think of me?" Before you go on thinking, "What the heck do others care! I do what I want!" I will say that I personally take to heart other people's opinions. After I have heard the opinions of others, I will generally retreat and do some reflection.
The response I got from my buddy is that other people feel that I have lacked a sense of direction over the last two years. Here's my response to that statement:
These last two years have been crucial in my developmental growth. Much of my "time to save the world" attitude has been tempered with the everyday realities of life. While I am still excited about serving, I find that it's the little ways that fulfill my heart's desires for service. For example, helping out with Confirmation at St. Callistus for two years was a grace-filled endeavor! There was much that I learned from having been a part of it. I was a sponsor for two confirmandees and many of the students allowed me to touch their hearts in many of the same ways that they touched mine.
Furthermore, during these last 2 years, I completed the 19th annotation. I would say that this was very much instrumental in my faith life. Because of this experience, I discovered a God that is real...of flesh and bone. I discovered that God is first and foremost love...in spite of what others might say. (i.e. God is just. God is faithful. God is vengeful or wrathful.) I experienced that kind of love through my spiritual director Sr. Barbra. I walked out of that experience with a real kind of transformation.
These last two years were to be a time of R & R (rest and relaxation) coupled with service (Contradictory? Not at all.) During my years in undergraduate, I pushed myself to new levels of thinking and seeing the world. I would say I pushed myself a little too hard. I don't regret any of it. However, I do acknowledge that the remnants of it all remained way after it was said and done.
It must also be said that during this time I feared the worst: the deterioration of my mental health. I had an experience unlike any I've ever been through. Yes, I had a nervous breakdown. In trying to comply with the company I was working for (Courtyard by Marriott), I was pushed to the edge. There are some details that I will spare in this entry. However, I will say this, I was not happy by the treatment and constant state of disapproval that me and my coworkers endured. It is not healthy to work for a company that creates such a toxic environment. For this reason, I suffered an episode of extreme paranoia and was thus hospitalized for nearly a month and a half. I don't at the moment wish to disclose much more about this recent happening. This experience helped me to understand what I'm really willing to tolerate from an employer. Boundaries! There's something that sticks out at me today, "You either learn to adapt to the company's culture or you leave," explained my mentor Dr. Steve. Due to the circumstances and the constant violation of boundaries, I had no choice but to resign.
Yes, it's been an action packed two years. As for future plans, I've finally decided to go back to grad school. Yup, you heard me right! It took the aforementioned to kick start me into action. Master's in Saving the World, here I come. ;o) I'm referring to the M.S.W. that will follow my name in three years. So that's that for now.
In the meantime, I'm applying to different jobs looking for full-time employment (This is where you come in. ;o) HAHA!) and applying to grad school.
Sending you all much love. May you experience the love of God so fully in your everyday life.
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